God calls Dubya

Dubya: Hello? Who is this? Is this a test?

God: This isn't a test, Dubya, this is God. I called you on the red phone because I know you don't ever answer the others.

Dubya: Well, a big ole White House howdy, God. Haven't heard from you since you made me one of your chosen hundred thousand.

God: As long as you brought it up, there is no chosen hundred thousand, Dubya. Someone's shucking and jiving you but we'll talk about that some other time...I don't want too many ideas bouncing around in your already convoluted brain right now.

Dubya: Love yer sense of humour, Lord...

God: Knock it off, Dubya, and wipe off that condescending grin, which is another subject we'll discuss another time.

Dubya: Sorry, Lord, but it's almost breakfast time and you know how I love a big breakfast, yum, yum!

God: Pay attention, Dubya! The reason I called is to chew your butt out.

Dubya: What for? I've been doing a great job as President! Workin' hard chasin' after them evil-doers like a sheriff with a pack o' bloodhounds! Why just yesterday...

God: Quiet! Listen up! What I called about is this national day of prayer you're calling for...who put you up to that?...as if I didn't know.

Dubya: Well, I got to do somethin', Lord! The polls say I'm losin' my standin'...and I been workin' hard...it's hard work bein' President...

God: I know what you're up to, Dubya...and don't give me that whine; you were already slipping way down before Katrina. Remember Iraq? I watched those fools in the Crusades do the same thing...

Dubya: The Crusades?

God: Forget it, I know how much you read history. Anyway, you need to do a couple of things if you want to keep me happy.

Dubya: Anything you want, Lord...I been workin' hard on that...

God: First, quit shoving your religion down peoples throats. One of the reasons I gave humans free will is so they'd think for themselves. Secondly, lower the gasoline prices. Your family and good buddies are rich enough and surely you know how I feel about avarice.

Dubya: Avarice? Uh...

God: Greed, Dubya, greed! And quit using your army to conquer the world. There's a whole bunch of past aggressors rotting in hell who tried the same thing. And fourth, quit taking the Bible so literally. I didn't write it and, if I did, I would have not resorted to parables so every Tom, Dick, and Herod could create their own theocracy. Just adopt Jesus' philosophies because he actually did speak for me. You don't seem to be paying much attention to what he said.

Dubya: Well, okay, God...I'll work hard on that!

God: Good. That's all...for now, anyway.

Dubya: Uh, could I ask you a question, Lord?

God: What's your question?

Dubya: Do you think Hillary can beat Jeb in the next election?

God: First, let me ask you if you think I am a man or a woman?

Dubya: What? Uh...uh...

God: You 'work hard' on that question, Dubya...maybe when you figure it out you can figure out the answer to your own question.