Saturday, April 16, 2005

Psychic Nonsense

Last October my name landed on a number of Psychic mailing lists. Don't know how this happened as I truck no nonsense from fortune tellers, horseoscopes (spelling intended) tea leaves or Chinese fortune cookies...other than for entertainment value and laughs. I also read junk mail because I'm a writer and always intrigued by how anyone writes and how the language is used in junk mail to intimidate people into parting with their money.
So far I've received three letters from one psychic in Cal., two from one in Fla. and a few others from states where I would never have suspected psychics to be doing business from. All of them have seen (or been told by spirits, angels or the infamous Tarot cards) such wonders (and only a few minor disasters) befalling me that they had to send me a FREE reading and, of course, an offer to 'guide' my course for the paltry fee of anywhere from nineteen-ninety-five to twenty or thirty dollars plus the infamous five dollars for 'postage and handling'. I've never understood the 'handling' part. Coffee money? Folding and stuffing the envelopes? It seems to me a flat price would gain more response from those inclined, intimidated or just plain silly enough to buy into such 'malarky' (my grandma's response to sales pitches).
What amuses me about the one in California is how my good fortune dates keep moving up with each subsequent letter. The first one, in October last, she told me I would win a major contest in Feb. this year (although the one in Florida saw me aboard my yacht well before that) then, on April 1st I would find a diamond bracelet (on the ground, mind you) worth an enormous amount of money which belonged to nobody! Zounds! Then, in rapid sucession through May until August all kinds of wealth would land in my lap. Of course, to make sure all of these things happened, I had to rush bucks to her (plus the postage and handling, of course) then she could work in close collusion with my Guardian Angel. She even enclosed a tarot card with a picture of my angel on it--and it was absolutely FREE! My 'angel' looked like a Pegasus with a hangover.
In January, I received another letter from her and it was very suspiously similiar except all my good fortune was set ahead a couple of months. Last week another arrived: same letter, different dates. I suppose part of the 'handling' fee goes toward labor for peeling off those stick-on addresses and affixing them to the envelope.
Oh yes, another hoo-ha she saw was a hole in my 'Aura' (all psychics see 'Auras') right above my left shoulder but she would heal that immediately upon receiving my moola. Maybe I should send her some money and have her cast a spell on my Doctor so he would work that cheap.



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