Sunday, May 29, 2005

Genetic Time Line Defined

As laid out in Porchwise's Encyclopedia of Highly Secret and Suspect Theoroticals.

Conception to birth: Genetic wars in the womb as DNA battles occur to determine the gender of the fetus...the beginning of what's usually known as 'The Battle of the Sexes'.

Birth to Age one: The cute and cuddly code kicks in along with the bodily functions code which will take the whole year to develope properly causing much parental angst.

Age one to two: Sensory, learning and 'let us push mommies buttons' code kicks in along with the 'walking upright' gene causing more parental angst.

Age two to three: The 'terrible twos' code along with the curiosity gene kicks in and the 'let us push mommies buttons' gene kicks the rest of the DNA into high gear causing mommy to make many trips to the doctor (for herself to see what pills will mix properly with beer and gin)

Age three to five: The first of the 'Iwanna do as I please' code kicks in along with the 'Fundamental Physical Agility' code causing much tree, garage and sometimes house climbing and further trips to the doctor (for broken bones and adjustments to mommies pills and alcohol combinations).

Age five to ten: The mental learning code kicks in and (according to DNA configuration) the humanoid reaches the deduction and conclusion stage. "I hate school!" is the more common conclusion uttered by most humanoids by the age of ten.

Age ten to thirteen: The random thoughts code kicks in along with the sexual preference code sometimes causing mass confusion in the humanoid.

Age thirteen to eighteen: The 'love' code along with the 'I know it all' code kicks'. The 'love' code has many DNA bytes with angst, confusion and 'I suck' being the usual dominate ones although the male DNA in some humanoids takes various paths sometimes leading the female to thinking she is absolutely beautiful or so ugly she takes down all her mirrors. The ego code kicks in in the male and he spends a lot of time in front of the mirror complimenting himself, combing his hair and uttering coments to himself such as 'Damn, I'm handsome!' The 'I know it all!' gene is dominate by age eighteen. The experimentation in all things related to 'party' runs amok.

Age nineteen to twenty-two: The work, college, join the military, or beachbum codes begin transforming the mental ability codes into permanent DNA to be passed on to future generations

Age twenty-two to sixty-five: Life experience causes other changes in all the genetic codes during this period of the humanoids existence, hopefully for the betterment of the next generation...but more than likely, not.

Age sixty-five to death: The 'to hell with it' code kicks in the the 'let's party' code (dormant since the age of twenty-two) kicks back in. The 'fear of death' code is activated leading to more mental confusion except in those humanoids whose karma has been elevated to enlightment and death only is the final step in joining the Universal Soul. Maybe.

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