A One Act Farce: Down at the Ranch

Characters: King Dubya, played by David Spade (trying his usual but failing best to be 'cool')
Big Oil, played by Orsen Welles
Big Steel, played by Sylvester Stallone
Big Bank, played by Richard Gere (not many lines but flashing Banker
smiles effectively)
Big Medicine, played by Dr. House
Token Democrat, downplayed by Woody Allen
Big China, played (in character) by Charlie Chan
Big Drug, played by Tom Cruise
Big Momma, played by Bea Arthur
Little Chicita, played by Rita Moreno
Token Democrat, played by PeeWee Herman


Scene One
Curtain rises to reveal:
A large, well furnished game room in a large ranch manse somewhere in Texas. Stage right is a pool table where we see Big Steel and Big Oil playing nine ball. King Dubya is behind a well stocked bar center stage talking asides to Big Bank. Stage left is a couch where Big Medicine is playing 'paper, rock, sissors' with Big Drug. Token Democrat is setting on an American Flyer bicycle, leaning up against the end of the bar.

Big Momma: (entering from stage left, followed by Big China) King Dubya, yer guest is here!
(She notices a beer in King Dubya's hand) By God and Jesus, you better not be swiging!

King Dubya: I ain't, Big Momma...this is just to go along with the crowd...sort of just fitting in...I work hard at fittin' in, Big Momma...

Big Momma: I know that, Dubya, just don't let me catch you sippin' that devil's brew.

(Big Momma exits left)

King Dubya: Wall, a big Texas howdy, Big China. Belly up to the bar and I'll fix you a drink!

Big China: Ah so, Amelican delights...make mine Saki, prease.

King George: Anything you want, Big China...yer the guest of honor hiar.

Big China: Veliy preased, King Dubya. Have not been tleated so since honolable Tlicky Dicky rast invited humble one to White House.

King Dubya: Thank ya, Big China, we're workin' hard to please you. Okay boys, belly up to the bar. (All go to bar and King Dubya starts pouring drinks) I got you boys together today because we need 'bout a trillion bucks from Big China. What with the oh-six elections comin' up we need to work hard at keepin' a conservative congress and ya'll know how much dough it takes to keep workin' hard at keepin' our boys in power.

(All raise their drinks and say: Amen!)

Big Bank: Er, excuse me, King Dubya, but you're already carrying a huge interest payment to us...

Big China: Ah so, that is tluly so but you must have no concern, Big Bank, as I can guarantee payment and vely soon now my country will be the bank you will look to when woes overtake your mind.

Big Oil: That right! Big China already adds more surcharges to their gasoline than we do and look how much we made this year...and they own their oil companys!

Big Steel: Well, I ain't worried 'bout it either way tor nuther. We're makin' more money now than ever and, personally, I don't give a rat's ass where my money's banked...as long as it's collecting interest.

Big Medicine: Same here...

Big Drug: Same here...

Token Democrat: I don't know, I think...

King Dubya: You don't need to think, Token Democrat. Only reason yer here is yer a whimp and you leap the fence over and over. Whyn't you ride that bike outside and play in traffic.

Token Democrat: Well, I feel the same really as my money is in the same ballpark as yours. Even in my party, we elitists worry about out riches.

King Dubya: We all know that, it's jus' you try too hard to keep the peasants happy. Drink up, everybody! (Little Chicita enters stage left with a large tray of sandwiches)

Little Chicita: Big Momma say you eat now, King Dubya.

King Dubya: What! Get yer skinny little Mex ass outta here, Little Chicita.

Little Chicita: But Big Momma...

King Dubya: I don't give a damn what she...oh hell, forget it. Put the tray on the table and...uh, don't say anything to Big Momma and maybe I'll think about getting you a green card.

Little Chicita: (Bows and backs out, saying many "Gracias" on the way out) (Curtain comes down)

Stay tuned for Scene Two