A One Act Farce:Down at the Ranch/Scene Two

(Curtain rises on Scene One game room. King Dubya is still behind the bar. Big Oil is sitting across from King Dubya with a sleeve ripped off his shirt. Big Medicine is standing beside him and digging around in a doctor's bag. These are the only characters on stage as the curtain rises)

King Dubya: Jeez, I love it when you go at it with Big Steel.

Big Oil: He's a little twerp.

Big Medicine: (taking out a medicine bottle and a cotton swab) Here's what I was looking for...this'll fix your eye or blind you. (He dips the swab into the bottle) Hold your head back, Big Oil, I think I ain't supposed to get this inside your eyelid. Bottle says...

Big Oil: (knocks swab and bottle away and bottle crashes to floor). You ain't gonna touch my eye, you quack.

Big Medicine: Well, I sure as hell ain't now...you know how much that bottle cost?

Big Oil: Don't give me that crap, I happen to know Big Drug gives you everything you tote around in that bag.

Big Medicine: Oh yeah, kinda forgot. (Digs around in his bag, pulls out a pill bottle and shoves three or four pills in his own mouth then offers a couple to Big Oil) Here, take a couple o' these with a straight shot o' whiskey...guarantee you won't feel a thing in a few minutes.

Big Oil: Get away from me, you crackpot. No wonder you guys are always gettin' sued!

King Dubya: Okay boys, knock it off. Let's celebrate! (Lifts his bottle of beer)

Big Momma: (Jumps through door, stage left, with a baseball bat in her hand) Dubya! Put that beer down!

King Dubya: Yes Big Momma! Right away! We was just gonna celebrate a little. Big China came through! I told ya them Chinks was gonna do it for us! We got oh-six elections sewed up.

Big Momma: Big Medicine, you better give King Dubya some kine of wise-up shot. And you, Big Oil, I'd hide somewhere quick. Little Chicita just got back from town and she's loadin' up a shotgun. She had to fill up her car and had to pay three bucks a gallon for gas. I think she's out for blood.

Big Oil: Well bring her on! I ain't scared o' no little split tail Mex...(he's interrupted by Little Chicita running through door, stage left, with a shotgun in her arms)

Little Chicita: There you are, you price gouging gringo bastard! (She fires at him but he ducks under the barstool and she goes flying backwards into Big Momma and they both go down in a pile in front of the door. Token Democrat rides his bicycle onstage from stage right. He stops, leans his bicycle against the pool table and walks up to the bar.)

Token Democrat: I'll have a shot and a beer, King Dubya. What's goin' on in here?

King Dubya: Just a pissed off Mexican...and Big Momma bein' mad at me. But you can forget about the oh-six elections...Big China came through.

Token Democrat: (Downs the shot King Dubya pours for him and chases it with a long pull from the beer) Yeah, I know. Just talked to him outside. Guess what, he doubled it for me.

King Dubya: What!

Token Democrat: Yep, said he said he really didn't give a hoot what party won but he really likes Hillary and said to spend it on the oh-eight election to get her elected Queen!

King Dubya: But I already got a Queen...

Token Democrat: Yeah, but your Queen leaves with you in oh-eight and Big China wants a Queen to rule over here.

King Dubya: Damn the flies! My old man told me you couldn't trust those Commie bastards!