A One Act Farce: Down at the Ranch/Scene Three

Scene Three (final scene)
(Curtain rises to reveal the previous scenes game room but now it is in ruin. The walls have been bombed and backstage the backdrop shows us a Texas prairie littered with debris including an upside down Limosine, still smoldering. The pool table is askew stage right with one end resting on the floor. Center stage the bar still stands and stage left the couch is tattered but still usable; Token Democrat is stretched out on it with a half-gone bottle of whiskey on the floor beside the couch. Big Dubya is still behind the bar and he's now drinking beer. Big Retail, Big Insurance and Big Oil are seated at the bar. All the characters look like they've survived an explosion of some sort as their clothing is tattered, faces smudged and Big Oil has one arm in an improvised sling.
As the scene opens, Little Chicita comes onstage right with a broom sweeping her way furiously but ineffectively through the mess)

Little Chicita: (talking to the floor as she sweeps) Focking Gringos! Focking Chinks! Focking Gringos! (As she nears stage left she turns and spits on the floor then exits)

Big Retail: Told ya you couldn't trust them commie bastards!

Big Oil: By God, they're goin' to pay for this!

Big Insurance: Well...at least my business isn't goin' to be hurt. 'Acts of War' are exempt on all my policies!

Big Dubya: Ya can't blame me! This is all Big Nixon's fault! He shouldna started all this buddy-buddy stuff with Big China.

Big Oil: Bull! You shouldna trusted them Mussies, even them Saudi pals o' yers! Should of stomped their butts when they made Big China their biggest customer.

Big Dubya: That ain't my fault, needer! That's Big CIA! You boys know how I couldn't trust anything they told me. Between them idiots and my own staff cronies, nothing important ever made it up to me. Look it all them leaks! Un I had many, many congressional committees investigating all them damn leaks! And the only thing they were really workin' hard on was covering their own behinds!

Token Democrat: You birds were goin' down in oh-eight! Down, down, down...(picks up the whiskey bottle and takes a drink)

Big Momma: (wanders on stage left in a dirty, frazzled nightgown) Oh my beautiful Texas! My beautiful country! My beautiful mansion! (Goes behind bar, shoves Big Dubya aside and retrieves two beers and a bottle of whiskey from beneath the bar)

Big Dubya: Big Momma! What ya doin'?

Big Momma: Me and Big Daddy's gettin' drunk! What else is there to do now?

Big Dubya: I'm sorry, Big Momma, I was workin' hard. (sniffs and wipes his nose with the back of whats left of one shirt sleeve)

Big Momma: (pats him on the head) Hell, it's all water under the...the Red bridge now, honey! Don't worry yer poor little empty head 'bout it. Me un yer daddy just made a mistake...

Big Dubya: A mistake?

Big Momma: We knew eventually you'd foul up...but never this bad. Oh well...(she turns and goes off stage left)

Bog Dubya: (kills his beer and opens another) Well, hell, I was workin' hard!

Big Insurance: You were workin' hard all right, foulin' things up!

Big Oil: Well...(stands up and adjusts his arm sling then starts off stage right)

Big Dubya: Where you goin', Big Oil?

Big Oil: I'm flaggin' down the first Big China convoy that passes and hitchin' a ride to China!

Big Retail: Shoot, I ain't going nowhere. All the stuff I sell is made over there anyway. The only things gonna change is my owners will be the new Red Government...and I don't mean the Red States!

Big Dubya: (pulls a shotgun out from under the bar) Ya'll ain't goin' nowhere but to hell! (Shoots everyone on stage but Token Democrat who watchs then gets up and walks over to the bar)

Token Democrat: You should have done that long ago.

Big Dubya: I know that now...by the way, you want to explain somethin' to me?

Token Democrat: What?

Big Dubya: I ain't never figured out why you liberals call yourself leftists...and, matter of fact, I ain't never figured out why we Republicans call ourselves rightists.

Token Democrat: It's simple, Big Dubya. The thing you Republicans think you are right about always end up making a mess of things and we Democrats are always 'left' cleaning up the mess you leave behind.

Big Dubya: (scratches his head) Huh?

Token Democrat: You still don't understand, do you? But I figured you wouldn't. (turns and walks off stage as Big Dubya scratches his head and stares questioningly out at the audience)

(Curtain/Final Scene)