A One Act Farce:Down at the Ranch/Scene Two

(Curtain rises on Scene One game room. King Dubya is still behind the bar. Big Oil is sitting across from King Dubya with a sleeve ripped off his shirt. Big Medicine is standing beside him and digging around in a doctor's bag. These are the only characters on stage as the curtain rises)

King Dubya: Jeez, I love it when you go at it with Big Steel.

Big Oil: He's a little twerp.

Big Medicine: (taking out a medicine bottle and a cotton swab) Here's what I was looking for...this'll fix your eye or blind you. (He dips the swab into the bottle) Hold your head back, Big Oil, I think I ain't supposed to get this inside your eyelid. Bottle says...

Big Oil: (knocks swab and bottle away and bottle crashes to floor). You ain't gonna touch my eye, you quack.

Big Medicine: Well, I sure as hell ain't now...you know how much that bottle cost?

Big Oil: Don't give me that crap, I happen to know Big Drug gives you everything you tote around in that bag.

Big Medicine: Oh yeah, kinda forgot. (Digs around in his bag, pulls out a pill bottle and shoves three or four pills in his own mouth then offers a couple to Big Oil) Here, take a couple o' these with a straight shot o' whiskey...guarantee you won't feel a thing in a few minutes.

Big Oil: Get away from me, you crackpot. No wonder you guys are always gettin' sued!

King Dubya: Okay boys, knock it off. Let's celebrate! (Lifts his bottle of beer)

Big Momma: (Jumps through door, stage left, with a baseball bat in her hand) Dubya! Put that beer down!

King Dubya: Yes Big Momma! Right away! We was just gonna celebrate a little. Big China came through! I told ya them Chinks was gonna do it for us! We got oh-six elections sewed up.

Big Momma: Big Medicine, you better give King Dubya some kine of wise-up shot. And you, Big Oil, I'd hide somewhere quick. Little Chicita just got back from town and she's loadin' up a shotgun. She had to fill up her car and had to pay three bucks a gallon for gas. I think she's out for blood.

Big Oil: Well bring her on! I ain't scared o' no little split tail Mex...(he's interrupted by Little Chicita running through door, stage left, with a shotgun in her arms)

Little Chicita: There you are, you price gouging gringo bastard! (She fires at him but he ducks under the barstool and she goes flying backwards into Big Momma and they both go down in a pile in front of the door. Token Democrat rides his bicycle onstage from stage right. He stops, leans his bicycle against the pool table and walks up to the bar.)

Token Democrat: I'll have a shot and a beer, King Dubya. What's goin' on in here?

King Dubya: Just a pissed off Mexican...and Big Momma bein' mad at me. But you can forget about the oh-six elections...Big China came through.

Token Democrat: (Downs the shot King Dubya pours for him and chases it with a long pull from the beer) Yeah, I know. Just talked to him outside. Guess what, he doubled it for me.

King Dubya: What!

Token Democrat: Yep, said he said he really didn't give a hoot what party won but he really likes Hillary and said to spend it on the oh-eight election to get her elected Queen!

King Dubya: But I already got a Queen...

Token Democrat: Yeah, but your Queen leaves with you in oh-eight and Big China wants a Queen to rule over here.

King Dubya: Damn the flies! My old man told me you couldn't trust those Commie bastards!

Down at the Ranch

A One Act Farce: Down at the Ranch

Characters: King Dubya, played by David Spade (trying his usual but failing best to be 'cool')
Big Oil, played by Orsen Welles
Big Steel, played by Sylvester Stallone
Big Bank, played by Richard Gere (not many lines but flashing Banker
smiles effectively)
Big Medicine, played by Dr. House
Token Democrat, downplayed by Woody Allen
Big China, played (in character) by Charlie Chan
Big Drug, played by Tom Cruise
Big Momma, played by Bea Arthur
Little Chicita, played by Rita Moreno
Token Democrat, played by PeeWee Herman


Scene One
Curtain rises to reveal:
A large, well furnished game room in a large ranch manse somewhere in Texas. Stage right is a pool table where we see Big Steel and Big Oil playing nine ball. King Dubya is behind a well stocked bar center stage talking asides to Big Bank. Stage left is a couch where Big Medicine is playing 'paper, rock, sissors' with Big Drug. Token Democrat is setting on an American Flyer bicycle, leaning up against the end of the bar.

Big Momma: (entering from stage left, followed by Big China) King Dubya, yer guest is here!
(She notices a beer in King Dubya's hand) By God and Jesus, you better not be swiging!

King Dubya: I ain't, Big Momma...this is just to go along with the crowd...sort of just fitting in...I work hard at fittin' in, Big Momma...

Big Momma: I know that, Dubya, just don't let me catch you sippin' that devil's brew.

(Big Momma exits left)

King Dubya: Wall, a big Texas howdy, Big China. Belly up to the bar and I'll fix you a drink!

Big China: Ah so, Amelican delights...make mine Saki, prease.

King George: Anything you want, Big China...yer the guest of honor hiar.

Big China: Veliy preased, King Dubya. Have not been tleated so since honolable Tlicky Dicky rast invited humble one to White House.

King Dubya: Thank ya, Big China, we're workin' hard to please you. Okay boys, belly up to the bar. (All go to bar and King Dubya starts pouring drinks) I got you boys together today because we need 'bout a trillion bucks from Big China. What with the oh-six elections comin' up we need to work hard at keepin' a conservative congress and ya'll know how much dough it takes to keep workin' hard at keepin' our boys in power.

(All raise their drinks and say: Amen!)

Big Bank: Er, excuse me, King Dubya, but you're already carrying a huge interest payment to us...

Big China: Ah so, that is tluly so but you must have no concern, Big Bank, as I can guarantee payment and vely soon now my country will be the bank you will look to when woes overtake your mind.

Big Oil: That right! Big China already adds more surcharges to their gasoline than we do and look how much we made this year...and they own their oil companys!

Big Steel: Well, I ain't worried 'bout it either way tor nuther. We're makin' more money now than ever and, personally, I don't give a rat's ass where my money's banked...as long as it's collecting interest.

Big Medicine: Same here...

Big Drug: Same here...

Token Democrat: I don't know, I think...

King Dubya: You don't need to think, Token Democrat. Only reason yer here is yer a whimp and you leap the fence over and over. Whyn't you ride that bike outside and play in traffic.

Token Democrat: Well, I feel the same really as my money is in the same ballpark as yours. Even in my party, we elitists worry about out riches.

King Dubya: We all know that, it's jus' you try too hard to keep the peasants happy. Drink up, everybody! (Little Chicita enters stage left with a large tray of sandwiches)

Little Chicita: Big Momma say you eat now, King Dubya.

King Dubya: What! Get yer skinny little Mex ass outta here, Little Chicita.

Little Chicita: But Big Momma...

King Dubya: I don't give a damn what she...oh hell, forget it. Put the tray on the table and...uh, don't say anything to Big Momma and maybe I'll think about getting you a green card.

Little Chicita: (Bows and backs out, saying many "Gracias" on the way out) (Curtain comes down)

Stay tuned for Scene Two

Turkey Shoot

A few miles east of me is a small scattering of homes-- a very small community where there used to be a convenience store a decade ago but it had to close because of lack of business. The volunteer fire department (one fire engine and an emergency vehicle) still exists there. In order to maintain the service, they have a "Turkey Shoot" each year. It's a pretty informal event with food supplied (and yummily cooked) by the volunteers and their wives and prizes are donated by some of the merchants of surrounding towns. Targets are erected and, for a buck a shot, the hunters vie to win turkeys, hams and the first prize which is a rifle or shotgun.

It's surprising how many people show up this far out in the country and even more surprising is how this one event generates enough money to keep the Fire Department operating for one more year.

It's a part of Americana that exemplifies what community means, much like the church picnic or the festivities and parade preceding small town high school homecoming games. It's kind of saddening to see these slices of the American pie getting smaller each year and to realize how neighborliness is slowly dissappearing in the complex, electronized and digitized cities and towns across our nation.

By nature, man is a social being and it is not amusing to me to ponder how the fast-paced business of corporate capitalism is affecting this socialibility and how it surely is going to eventually change the nature of humanity.

Bill O'reilly was on....

...the Daily show last night and didn't have much to say. Unusual for the 'no spin' man. Then today on his radio show he said the solution to the Mexican illegal problem is simple: simply put the U.S. Army down to guard the border. He says over 80% of those illegals would be caught. I guess he just doesn't realize how far that border stretches. He had a couple of other rants but what was really interesting is he said he's thinking about retiring. Hmmm...with his askew solutions maybe it's about time.

Defining Words

Political Influence: Money by the barrel full

Political Morality: Grimm's fairy tales expanded metamorphically

Open Mind: One willing to listen

Closed Mind: Talking to a wall

Vote: Impetus for campaign promises

Campaign Promises: Illusions

Imperilism: Acquisition of other peoples property and resourses by conquest

Crusade: Theocratic Imperilism

National Budget: Pork barrel fund

Facts not in evidence: Frivolous opinions or numbers used to circumvent truth

Polls: Media device for influencing the public using Facts not in evidence

Confidence: Thing lost by the people when their government goes haywire

Social Security: Modern term for Biblical 'my brothers keeper'

Democrat: Believer in a government of the people, by the people and for the people

Republican: Believer in a government of the rich, by the rich and for the rich

According to Kurt Vonnegut...

Mankind is going to dissappear off the earth. Interviewed on the NOW show on PBS last evening, the old humanist (raised Catholic) says man has little chance to restore the damage he's done to the earth and now she's ready to get rid of us. When asked what he thought of President Bush, he said they had a name for his kind when he went to school: it was 'twit'.
When asked what his greatest dream was he said it had always been to see 'great schools' but it had never been realized. He also used Biblical quotes to emphasize the immorality he sees such as 'turn the other cheek', 'the meek shall inherit the earth' and such.
He also talked about how we are social people but technology (the internet) is the wrong way to go as we don't get off our butts anymore and socialize.
The problem I had was figuring out which statements were tongue-in-cheek and which he really believes...but then he's always been a hard guy to figure out.

God calls Hank Erwin

Hank: Hello?

God: You better sit down, Hank.

Hank: What? Say, how'd you know I was standin' up, anyways?

God: According to your theology, who knows everything?

Hank: Lordy mercy, it's Jehovah!

God: That's right, Hank, and I've got a bone to pick with you. Whatever gave you the notion that I caused those hurricanes to hit the Gulf coast? Surely you must know I don't use my Godly powers to influence the weather.

Hank: But..but, what about the great flood? What about Noah?

God: A really rousing story but Samuel was sipping a little too much wine when he wrote that and I'm afraid his imagination got ahold of him in the wrong way...otherwise he would have realized it would have taken Noah forty days just to swat all the flys off the elephants.

Hank: Well, gawllllly, I never thought of it that way.

God: Beside the point anyway, Hank. What's really got me peeoed at you is that statement about "sin always brings suffering to good people as well as the bad"...what wall did that come off of?

Hank: But I thought...

God: No, you didn't think. What people do with their money and how they live their life is their business. I don't have the time or inclination to go around and create havoc among my people. I gave man free will for a reason, mainly so I wouldn't have to do such vengeful things. And, even if that were the case, why didn't I cause a storm and sink that boat Darwin was sailing on when he was developing his theory of evolution?

Hank: What?! Mercy, mercy, you're the Devil in disguise!

God: Nonsense...and, by the way, why didn't you include Alabama in your statement? When did Alabama become the sin-free state? A whole slew of those cars in Casino parking lots had Alabama license plates.

Hank: Well, Jehovah, I kind of had to ease off 'Bama...after all that's where my voters are...

God: Exactly! Now that's what I would classify as a 'sin', lying by omission. Better get busy and straighten up your act or I might just 'smite' you with a tornado or two.

The Weather Channel...

...must be joining the ratings game. I turned it on this morning and thought I was watching the 'Today' show or something. Someone needs to tell them to stick to business. Their new show, 'Weekend View' was a mish-mash of a garden show, a tourist promo (hey, let's look at the leaves) and a home show (how to light up your walkway). Come on guys, stick to business, it's stupid to have to surf to find out what the weather is going to do.